Synopsis Draft 3 - Feedback

• Add the "Dramatic Premise" section into the "Middle" - redevelop the "Dramatic Premise" part.
• Think about proxemics - is the man camouflaged? That way the woman will have less chance of logically seeing him.
• Remove the dialogue of "I can't do it. I can't approach her", from the middle.
• Develop the area of him watching her (he is using the camera to try to understand what is going on)
• Are we concerned for him?
• Tell the audience less, build in more accidents - this makes the scene more intriguing.
• He is filming the water - the leaves are perhaps floating in an opposite direction to the ripples in the water - then suddenly the woman's eyes come into view of his camera - startling for him and us as the audience.
• The woman moves her eyes, he darts to the side to perhaps avoid her gaze.
• She is looking at her hands.
• Next time he films her, he sees a bottle, which was previously on the other side of her.
• She has pills in her hands - he doesn't know what to do.
• He looks at the record button on his camera - he is self-conscious - (the camera is still recording whilst this happens)
• How responsible is he in this situation? Is he responsible? Are we? Will he do something?
• Think about his dress code (characterise him more) - he is classically eccentric.
• Something else may happen (possibly in the Dramatic Premise):
• She walks into the river (at knee-length)
• She goes to fall in the river? What does he do?
• What can he do without actually going down to her?
• Is his phone in signal?
• Does he look around?
• Have her stand in the water - he goes back to watching her
• Is it suicide? Attention-seeking? Something else? Make sure the audience doesn't know
• The man moves away from the camera, looks around everywhere
• He goes back to the camera (breaking away from reality)
• Maybe she looks around - notices him - just looks at him.
• He isn't ready to be confronted - he backs off the camera - he is afraid.
• She is now in control of the situation .
• Ending ideas:
• Does she visually give him permission to do something?
• .....